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Well… Here I am, 23 years old.
I don’t think I’ve ever posted on my birthday before because… Well, it’s my birthday and not someone else’s, right? I don’t see the point in drawing a gift for myself, it would look both strange and somehow… pathetic or what? For me, in any case, I have nothing against someone giving themselves a gift, I just find it wrong for myself. I can guess why, but I don’t want to talk about it out loud, to be honest. I didn’t want to celebrate at all this year. I just wanted to cross this day out of the calendar and live it like an ordinary working day. But my friends were getting ready… they were preparing gifts and… it would be wrong for me to destroy all their work.
Since childhood, I haven’t particularly liked my birthday. Like most holidays in general. But for other holidays I have already created more pleasant associations and memories. About my birthday, no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop remembering all the screams, quarrels and meaningless hopes for the best that will never come true. Every time, even without receiving a cake, I made wishes for everything to get better (although earlier wishes were for my father to return, but I was a child who did not yet know what an asshole this man was and that it was even good that he fucked into the sunset).
Although I admit, somewhere deep inside me there is still a stupid, infantile child who dreams of a surprise party with a bunch of friends and relatives (a bunch of which I never had lol) with these banal balloons, ribbons and other crap that is so difficult to clean up, board games and a console, a bunch of funny photos that make you want to laugh when you look at them, and everything like that, just like the classics of the American film genre. I watched how other people left cute posts on their birthday to be congratulated, or how content makers left their details for payment so that if someone wanted, they could donate to them, or again they drew art for themselves. I… I’m leaving this post because somewhere deep in my soul I still hope that something will change, but otherwise I just hate the fact of my birth, that my mother decided that it would be a fucking idea to have another child just because she wanted a boy and a girl as if they were some kind of toys…
Eh… but finally I want to say that I really love my friends who gave me gifts and gave me a piece of happiness on this day. Thank you guys, Erein, Nastya, Helya, Anya. I don’t know what I would do without you